The Government Shutdown, Explained

BaconSays-ObamaCare

 Your news channel of choice has told you there is a government shutdown.

You have no idea what that means, but a lot of jerks,
(mainly on FOX news and wingnut radio shows)
are telling you who to blame. They’re probably lying to you.

IGNORE ALL THAT CRAP.

Here’s what is really happening:

Months ago, the Senate passed a “clean” CR (continuing resolution) Discretionary Budget to keep the government running.

It was a GIGANTIC gift (a huge compromise) to the Republicans
(as you will see from the graph below),
as it keeps the sequester in place and goes even lower than that,
both of which will continue to drag the economic recovery.

This CR bill was a bi-partisan effort in the Senate.
Additionally, the Senate invited the House months ago to come and participate in the budget negotiations, but Boehner said no EIGHTEEN times.
Now, after 40+ times trying to repeal the ACA, the House refuses to pass the Senate’s ‘clean’ CR unless they get the NON-discretionary ACA law de-funded.
It doesn’t belong in a bill for Discretionary funding,
but since the Tea Party is a bunch of cry-babies about Obamacare,
they won’t let any other government business happen unless they get their way.

If the Senate caves to this behavior, it will set a dangerous precedent that will allow a small faction of 1/3 of the government to hold the entire country hostage just so that Eric Cartman can get his new iPad or whatever the hell it is that they want (they don’t even know anymore).

All of the posturing that Republicans are doing right now in front of the cameras and the piece by piece funding bills they’re passing in the House are just a sad attempt of Republicans to seem reasonable while anyone who’s been paying attention knows they’re completely disingenuous (AKA – full of crap).

So the Tea Party Republicans continue to throw a tantrum until they get their way.
Every day or two, Ted Cruz does his best impression of Bizarro Superman (sans super-powers) with a blatant attempt to project his own faults onto the Democrats.
You can’t let bullies get away with that crap. Sometimes you have to hit back.

FundingLevelCharticle-1Image via ThinkProgress
who has a really great article
you should read about
the Republicans’ fake “willingness to compromise”

teapartyshutdown



The Thing About Building Your Own Time Machine

Here’s the thing about building your own time machine:

If you plan on changing anything in the past to improve your present (or future),
you can’t build your own time machine to do it.

 

WHY?

Because making a change to your past… eliminates the reason why you wanted to create a time machine in the first place. It’s a paradox. You will never have created a time machine because you will not have had a need to create a time machine.

 

Still don’t get it?  Let me give you an example:

virtualhotdog-1-0-usa-10242

Let’s say that a year ago you entered a hot dog eating contest and before the big contest, you got hungry and ate a few pizzas, which made you fall 10 hot dogs short of a world record, losing to Joey Chestnut once again.

 

You decide to build a time machine so you can go back in time and warn the 2012 version of You not to eat the pizzas, so 2012-You can make room for those extra hot dogs and get the world record.

 

2013-You successfully invent a time machine, but every time you travel back to warn 2012-You not to eat the pizzas, you fail. The laws of time prevent you from changing the outcome because if you do, you will never have had a reason to build the time machine.

 

We could talk about parallel dimensions, Gallifreyan Astro-Physics, flux capacitors, Springfield Toaster Mechanics, how freaky that Butterfly Effect movie was, and how every possible outcome becomes it’s own reality, but for now let’s stick to the basics and just assume this:


If you have a reason to build your time machine other than observing time, you won’t be able to change anything.

(Well, not on purpose anyway. Accidents can happen.)


HOW DO YOU GET AROUND THIS?

You get around this by stealing someone else’s time machine. Preferably, it will be a time machine that was built by someone who had no desire to change anything in his own past, thus insuring that the time machine would have been built regardless.


HOW DO I FIND SOMEONE WITH A USEABLE TIME MACHINE?

Look for Universities that have lots of money for History and Science. Odds are pretty good that you’ll find some egghead professor or grad student who just thought it would be cool to invent a time machine so he could pop back to the Cretaceous period for a few minutes to see if Dinosaurs have feathers, then zip right back home in time to watch Shark Week on Discovery Channel.


OK. I FOUND AN EGGHEAD WITH A TIME MACHINE. NOW WHAT?

Become his ‘research assistant’ or ‘intern’. You’re bound to end up participating in one of his test runs, along with one of his pets, who he’s likely named after some famous scientist like Albert Einstein, H.G. Wells or Emmet Brown.

 

It’s best to let someone else make the first trip, just to make sure you’ll be able to return to your own time once you’ve scolded your pizza-eating past-self. You also want to make sure that you have easy access to a time-machine repair kit in case you blow out the flux capacitor or run out of plutonium… and don’t get too close to the radioactive stuff. There’s no point in tweaking your past if you’re not going to live to enjoy the future. Also, you might accidentally erase yourself from existence if you come in direct contact with your past-self, so wear gloves.

 

Once you’ve successfully changed the thingy that you wanted to change, it’s difficult to say what will happen when you return from the past. Most likely, your memories may have an overlap where you remember the past year’s events happening two different ways, one where you had your time travel adventure and the other where you skipped the pizza and broke a hot dog eating record, and then live happily ever after.

 

There is, however, a very slight possibility that when you return from the past, there will now be TWO of you. If this happens, you’re going to have to have a long talk with yourself on what to do next. It could be in your advantage to be in two places at once, but be prepared to ‘eliminate the paradox’ if necessary. The other you might not want to share your Cubs bobblehead collection.

 

So good luck. Be careful. Let us know how it goes. Try not to implode the universe.
Also, if you could pop forward a few years and write down a few winning lottery numbers…

Virtual Cheeseburger Shop - Buy things that have cheeseburgers on them





Zane Lamprey – SEND ME YOUR RUM!

UPDATE – Don’t forget to Help Zane Lamprey fund his next show, CHUG!
It’s like Three Sheets… ON A TRAIN!
HURRY! HE’S RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
FUND : CHUG – A KickStarter Fund Raiser for Zane Lamprey’s Next Drinking Show!

Go to

www.CHUG.tv

and give him all of your money! (or at least a six-pack’s worth.)

HeyLook-ZaneLamprey monkeyrum

I sure would like to tell you about this new rum that Zane Lamprey (host of Drinking Made Easy, former host of Three Sheets, enabler of professional lush Steve McKenna, and alcoholic beverage entrepreneur) has created, but the stubborn son-of-a….  is taking his sweet time getting it into distribution!

Dude… how many tastings do you need to do until you’re happy? It’s rum! It will taste good. It has monkeys on the bottle. WE WILL BUY IT.

On behalf of the drinking world, here is my official plea:

ZANE, Release the Rum!

or failing that, send me a few bottles to review here on VCBlogger until you’re ready for me (and all of your rum drinking fans) to stop giving all my booze money to Captain Morgan.

In summary:

RELEASE THE RUM, Send me a few bottles, and

FOR THE LOVE OF RUM, STOP STALLING AND TAKE OUR MONEY!

Thank you.  This has been a public service announcement.


p.s. – Don’t forget to Help fund his next show, CHUG! It’s like Three Sheets… ON A TRAIN!

HURRY! HE’S RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
FUND : CHUG – A KickStarter Fund Raiser for Zane Lamprey’s Next Drinking Show!
Go to www.CHUG.tv and give him all of your money! (or at least a six-pack’s worth.)



National Pie Day… or is it?

 

Happy National Pie Day!

(Wait… Didn’t we just do this holiday in December?)

Natl-Pie-Day-2013-01

Chocolate Pecan Pie with Homemade Citrus Vodka Pie Crust

I checked my good ‘ol trusty food holiday calendar and it said today was Rhubarb Pie Day.

 

Then all these goofballs started posting on the interwebs that it was NATIONAL PIE DAY.

Normally, I’m not one to complain about days celebrating pie, but didn’t we already HAVE National Pie Day on December 1st?

Who standardizes these things? Who exactly IS the Pie Holiday Authority?

To my knowledge, we now have THREE National Pie Days!

January 23rd (aka TODAY), according the “American Pie Council” (Ohhhh! So YOU GUYS are the Pie Holiday Authority!)

March 14th according to foodie mathematicians (OK, that’s actually Pi Day (3.14), but we’re gonna let it slide.),

and

December 1st, which I’ve just been informed may actually be National FRIED Pie Day.

If McDonald’s or another fried pie purveyor had gotten a hold of that information years ago when they used to sell fried apple pies by the billions, it’s very possible that they advertised December 1st as “National Pie Day” and conveniently left out the “f” word (no, the OTHER f-word!) due to the unfair stigma that deep-fried foods have to this day. Fast forward to today, and one piece of fast-food marketing damages the Pie Holiday Continuum FOREVER! (No, I will not make analogies to corn meal. I have another website for that now. 🙂  )

Well, now that I’ve sorted that out, go make and/or eat some pie!

20121119-mmcpecanpie-02

Chocolate Pecan Marshmallow Pie with a side of milk in a stylish USA Burger pint glass!

pb-and-bacon-deep-dish-04

Deep-Dish Elvis Pie: Peanut Butter Banana Custard topped with Caramelized Bananas in a Deep-Dish Peanut Butter Crust with Bacon and Chocolate.